Belonging

‘Don’t you think it’s so important that a child feels connected to something that is greater than themselves?’, – they say. And as they speak, they are actually not talking about their own children or any child for that matter, they speak of themselves. It is they who long to belong, to feel a part of something, to avoid loneliness and feel secure, in a way, just like all our ancestors did.

 

Survival

Living a tribal life, which was the life of all our ancestors, meant that if you didn’t belong, if you were an outsider, your chances of survival would be so slim it would unquestionably be better to belong to a terrible group of people than to be on your own.

Food, shelter, sickness, defending one’s self from the elements, were a part of the harsh world everyone lived in. Being a part of a tribe would often mean help to get game, to store food, to fight a fire or an enemy. It was the way to survive, so it was given highest importance. As babies we know this intuitively, we want to fit in, and be loved long before we become annoying teenagers that care so much about their social status and friends, even before we are educated to have pride in our people / town / country / religion / family.

Even a very small child knows they need their parents or care givers. First of all they need their love, affection and warmth. A rather cruel experiment, if you ask me, was done on baby monkeys and proved that a baby monkey when given the choice between a feeding bottle or a rag doll, chose the rag doll. He did so for he got more affection from the doll, and his need for affection was stronger than his need for food.

Back to our human child, who longs for the affection and care, they long to be approved of so they feel secure and therefore long to see their caretakers pleased with them.

Just like any tribe member a child knows they have no real chance to make it on their own and sticking together with their people, even if they abuse them, is not only a priority, it simply is a must.

When you know you need something for your basic survival, a part of you may start to admire and glorify this thing. While in fact it might not be so great at all, as it holds your future in its hands, it gains greatness in your eyes.

 

Reality check

Today’s world, however, is really very, very different. We do not need others like we used to, we can make do on many, many levels perfectly well on our own. We may care for some people, appreciate others and long to have company; we may have a need for affection and intimacy, a desire to share and listen, to love and be loved. But our primal survival need to belong has changed dramatically, for our external surroundings have changed.

We no longer depend on a tribe and on that belonging to a group of people, we may feel love for other people but this is something completely different. On a physical level we are not at others’ mercy, and that group which we belong to or do not, is not at all what it used to be, no matter how we look at it.

 

Not all that is bigger is in fact greater

So, while a feeling of belonging is natural and somewhat intuitive, personally, I do not want to feel a part of something bigger than myself, unless that ‘something’ is worth being a part of. If it is a religion based on ridiculous ideas, founded on wrong and twisted ideas and ideologies then I most certainly don’t want to feel any sense of belonging to it. Nor do I want to feel a part of a society that is stupid and dogmatic. Just as well, I don’t want to be part of a sick nation or a violent gang, I don’t want to be a part of a family that is cruel, or a marriage that is abusive. While the essential feeling of belonging is wonderful, we need to question what it is that we long to be a part of and why.

Feeling a sense of belonging is not sacred if that which you belong to is unworthy, and it’s definitely not something to aspire to at all cost.

This to me seems as straightforward as can be. While one might imagine that being a part of something bigger than yourself to be a worthy goal in itself, I sadly and utterly differ.

I would rather feel a sense of belonging to no one other than myself alone, if need be.